{"id":700,"date":"2019-01-28T17:45:41","date_gmt":"2019-01-28T23:45:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/?p=700"},"modified":"2019-02-01T15:01:21","modified_gmt":"2019-02-01T21:01:21","slug":"the-gorilla-and-the-headmistress","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/?p=700","title":{"rendered":"The Gorilla and the Headmistress"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure class=\"wp-block-image\">\r\n\n\t\t<style type=\"text\/css\">\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 {\n\t\t\t\tmargin: auto;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 .gallery-item {\n\t\t\t\tfloat: left;\n\t\t\t\tmargin-top: 10px;\n\t\t\t\ttext-align: center;\n\t\t\t\twidth: 50%;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 img {\n\t\t\t\tborder: 2px solid #cfcfcf;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 .gallery-caption {\n\t\t\t\tmargin-left: 0;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t\/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes\/media.php *\/\n\t\t<\/style>\n\t\t<div id='gallery-1' class='gallery galleryid-700 gallery-columns-2 gallery-size-large'><dl class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<dt class='gallery-icon portrait'>\n\t\t\t\t<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"800\" src=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/shutterstock_172469303_Gorilla_LR.jpg\" class=\"attachment-large size-large\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/shutterstock_172469303_Gorilla_LR.jpg 600w, https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/shutterstock_172469303_Gorilla_LR-225x300.jpg 225w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/>\n\t\t\t<\/dt><\/dl><dl class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<dt class='gallery-icon portrait'>\n\t\t\t\t<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"767\" src=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Woman-screaming-LR.jpg\" class=\"attachment-large size-large\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Woman-screaming-LR.jpg 600w, https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Woman-screaming-LR-235x300.jpg 235w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/>\n\t\t\t<\/dt><\/dl><br style=\"clear: both\" \/>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\r\n<\/figure>\r\n<!-- \/wp:post-content -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:image {\"id\":702} \/-->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>The day of retribution had finally arrived for Barbara Bigas, the humorless headmistress of Sunset Hill \u2013 an all girl\u2019s preparatory school and bastion of elitism whose stated mission was to raise fine young women. As moral guardian of her flock, one of Bigas\u2019s annual responsibilities was to forewarn parents of the peril that befell girls attending parties at Leifer\u2019s farm.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Part of me was outraged by her actions\u2026another part took immense pleasure in such recognition. Either way, Bigas\u2019s action begged for some form of response.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>It was May 30, and the final day of classes was fast approaching. I had less than 24 hours in which to launch my mission. Since this was my senior year, there would be no second chance.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cKansas City Costume,\u201d the man answered the phone.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cDo you have full gorilla suits?\u201d I innocently inquired.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cYou mean theatrical gorilla costumes?\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI mean something that looks real\u2026down to the toes.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI think we\u2019ve got what you\u2019re looking for, kid.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Twenty minutes later, I was standing in a small store sandwiched between a donut shop and a tailor in the middle of a strip mall. As I opened the door, I knew I had entered a different world. Snow White stood in one corner smiling, while Frankenstein lurked threateningly in another. A short, rotund, mustached man emerged from a back room and waddled up to the counter.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll bet you\u2019re here for a gorilla suit.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>I nodded my head as he looked me up and down, presumably assessing my size rather than trying to discern my intent.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cWait here. I\u2019ll be right back.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>A moment later, he reappeared with what looked like the body of a deflated gorilla slung over his shoulder, its feet and hands clutched in his fingers.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI grabbed an XL,\u201d he said. \u201cThere\u2019s a changing room over there,\u201d he added, pointing to my left. It was the only square inch of store not covered with some kind of outfit. \u201cBetter try it on and see if it fits.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>I was a tall, lanky kid, and there was ample room in the suit for at least one more person. But it wasn\u2019t the size that concerned me. Being encased in neoprene was like stepping into an oven. I could feel my body temperature begin to soar.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cDoes this thing come with air conditioning?\u201d I asked the man.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cJust wait until you have the head on. It\u2019s hot as hell. I wouldn\u2019t plan on being in that thing for more than about 15 minutes without a break.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cHow much is it?\u201d I asked, realizing that I hadn\u2019t given a moment\u2019s thought to the cost of my prank.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201c$35 per day, but I\u2019ll let you keep it for two.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Wow, that\u2019s a hell of a lot of money! Is it worth it? I pondered.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cWell, kid, do you want or not?\u201d the man asked impatiently as I was caught up in thought.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d I responded, a bit reluctantly, as I reached for my wallet and pulled out two hard-earned twenties.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph {\"align\":\"left\"} -->\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">He handed me a five and said, \u201cDon\u2019t let anything happen to that suit. Trust me, you don\u2019t want to have to pay for it.\u201d<br \/>***<br \/>Early the next day, I called my co-conspirator, Dave. His job was to deliver me surreptitiously to the scene of the crime, and then get us the hell out of there once I had perpetrated the audacious deed. We agreed he would pick me up in fifteen minutes.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>A scant ten minutes later, I walked downstairs and entered the kitchen \u2013 my body fully covered in fur, with the exception of my head. My mother stifled a scream while my father burst out laughing.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cAnd where may I ask are you going this morning?\u201d he asked. \u201cThe zoo?\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cNo, just a little year-end prank that Dave and I cooked up. It\u2019s pretty innocuous. Don\u2019t worry.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Just then the light tap of a horn indicated Dave\u2019s arrival.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cGotta go,\u201d I said, leaving the kitchen and heading for the front door.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t get in trouble!\u201d I heard my mother yell after me. In vain, of course.<br \/>***<br \/>It was still early when we arrived on campus \u2013 a full thirty minutes before the opening bell was scheduled to ring. It afforded us plenty of time to get into position without detection. Dave acted as a forward scout as we advanced towards the Headmistress\u2019s office. Fortunately, no one was in our path. Our final destination was a small storage closet adjacent to the headmistress\u2019s office where I would remain safely ensconced until Mrs. Bigas arrived.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Dave wished me good luck as he closed the door and suggested I turn off the light. Sweat was pouring profusely from my body, and I could only imagine how hot it would be once my head was covered. I knelt on the floor praying to avoid discovery. When I heard the heavy clunk of feet, I knew the headmistress had arrived.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI want you to show my eight-thirty appointment in as soon as she arrives. Then hold my calls\u2026I don\u2019t be disturbed.\u201d Bigas ordered her assistant.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cYes, Mrs. Bigas,\u201d the assistant responded officiously.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Uh oh, I hadn\u2019t planned on this contingency. I started to feel the flush of anxiety. But why? I asked myself. I was about to get a two for one! A smirk crossed my face. Just sit tight, I told myself. It\u2019s almost showtime.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>A few minutes later, the patter of shoes told me that someone was being shown into Bigas\u2019s office. Staring down at my wrist, I saw the short phosphorescent hand of my watch pointing to the eight and the minute hand pointing to the six \u2013 it was 8:30 sharp. I\u2019ll give them five minutes to settle in, I thought.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>At precisely 8:35, I turned the door handle ever so gingerly and opened the door of the closet a mere crack. No one in sight, although I knew Bigas\u2019s assistant was lurking only a few yards away. I gradually pushed the door open\u2026an inch at a time. I could now see the entrance to Bigas\u2019s office.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>The office was shaped like an L, which meant that her desk and the seating area were obscured from view until one was fully in the office. I pulled on the head of the suit \u2013 which caused me to lose all peripheral vision as I peered out of the eye-slits. My chest pounded with each step as I drew closer to the heart of darkness.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cYou know, Emily really is a fine young lady,\u201d I heard Bigas say in her affected tone, as I arrived at the point of no return.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cThen why did you call me in, Barbara? There must be some issue that\u2019s really concerning you.\u201d The woman\u2019s tone seemed exasperated.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s the boy she\u2019s dating. There are so many boys who are more appropriate for a young lady like Emily.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cOh, my God,\u201d I said to myself. \u201cThey\u2019re talking about me!\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>I burst out of the shadows, leaped into the air, then growled with a vengeance as I beat my chest. Blood-curdling screams pierced the stillness of the office as I continued to grunt, stomp, and flail my arms as I made my escape.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Running as fast as I could in a full-body gorilla suit, I shot through the hallways. Classroom doors were being flung open by anxious teachers trying to discern the source of the calamity. By the time I reached the exit to the parking lot, two male teachers were in hot pursuit. I slammed my body into the metal doors, which flew open, and I made a mad dash for Dave\u2019s car. I jumped into the convertible and yelled, \u201cHit it!\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Tires squealed and the two pursuers soon faded into oblivion. Once we were a few blocks away, Dave turned onto a cul-de-sac and stopped the car. I took off the top of my suit and filled him in on what had transpired.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI heard the screams,\u201d he said, tears streaming down his cheeks as he howled with laughter.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cI felt bad scaring Emily\u2019s mom like that, but not Bigas. She looked like she had just peed her pants!\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cYou know we\u2019re going to catch total hell for this, John.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cYah. But it was worth it!\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>Dave was right. Retribution was swift. The headmistress called for my head \u2013 having spoken with the Headmaster of my high school. In response, my school\u2019s administration saw it fit to strip me of the prestigious English Cup \u2013 an academic award that I had worked four long years to earn. \u201cThe lady doth protest too much, me thinks.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>There was no retribution, nor even a hint of ill feelings on the part of Emily\u2019s mother. Quite the contrary.<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n\r\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>\u201cThat uptight woman deserved it,\u201d she remarked. But don\u2019t quote me on that!<\/p>\r\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\r\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The day of retribution had finally arrived for Barbara Bigas, the humorless headmistress of Sunset Hill \u2013 an all girl\u2019s preparatory school and bastion of elitism whose stated mission was to raise fine young women. As moral guardian of her flock, one of Bigas\u2019s annual responsibilities was to forewarn parents of the peril that befell [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":701,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"yes","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23],"class_list":["post-700","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-my-blog","tag-leifer-short-story","tag-the-boy-in-the-gorilla-suit"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Gorilla and the Headmistress - John Leifer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The day of retribution had finally arrived for Barbara Bigas, the humorless headmistress of Sunset Hill \u2013 an all girl\u2019s preparatory school and bastion of\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/?p=700\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Gorilla and the Headmistress - John Leifer\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The day of retribution had finally arrived for Barbara Bigas, the humorless headmistress of Sunset Hill \u2013 an all girl\u2019s preparatory school and bastion of\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/?p=700\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"John Leifer\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/webworksofkc\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-01-28T23:45:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-02-01T21:01:21+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/johnleifer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/shutterstock_172469303_Gorilla_LR.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"600\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"John Leifer\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@LeiferJohn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@LeiferJohn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"John Leifer\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"John Leifer\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/111d0a78f56db123e7849f5bbe8f6750\"},\"headline\":\"The Gorilla and the Headmistress\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-01-28T23:45:41+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2019-02-01T21:01:21+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700\"},\"wordCount\":1526,\"commentCount\":2,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2019\\\/01\\\/shutterstock_172469303_Gorilla_LR.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"leifer short story\",\"the boy in the gorilla suit\"],\"articleSection\":[\"blog\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/johnleifer.com\\\/?p=700\",\"name\":\"The Gorilla and the Headmistress - 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